First Two Spring TM Sessions Occur

BORED.

There’s little else I can say about Spring 2012 so far.  Five hours of unanimously voting yes on department’s budgets leaves me…….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I have been spending a lot of time around here trying to convince people to run for Town Meeting, and then I sit though one myself and I forget why I even run.

Aside from about 30 minutes of ceremony between the two nights this week, we spent almost all of our time on Article 4, the budget, and we aren’t even done yet.

Newly-reelected Moderator Gil Moreira took a new approach to the budget this year, reading only the bottom line for each department rather than reciting every single item.  Good idea, but it still takes way too long.

Here are a few notes that I will try my very best to make interesting for you readers:

• Worst question of the meeting (so far) goes to Rep. Howell (9) who asked at the microphone, “What does the Engineering Department do?”  DPW Director Abdul Alkatib gets credit for answering the question with a straight face.  (Note to my fellow members of the American Society of Civil Engineers: we need to do a much better job of outreach.)
• Two amendments to the budget were made.  The first by Dave Johnson (8), who is offended the Water Department’s report is printed in color (really!), to reduce the water budget by $5,000.  The second was by a very confused Brad Porter (6) who wanted to reduce the school budget by $390,000 because he felt he was given two different salary numbers by new superintendent Tim Piwowar.  I guess Mr. Porter is not aware that even if his amendment passed, if would not come out of salaries, since labor contracts have already been negotiated.  No, that money would come out of something else, like, say, cutting the drama club or leaving the thermostat in the Kennedy at 61 next winter.  Sal Dampolo (5) sagely called each question immediately, sparing us from silly debates (thank you Sal) and each amendment failed.
• Huh? The Sequel.  Despite the money the Town Manager spent improving the audio system, people in the back constantly complained they couldn’t hear speakers.
• Speaking of the back of the auditorium, maybe it’s hard to hear in part because everyone is talking.  I arrived on the late side and settled into to back, and believe me when I tell you there are about a half-dozen conversations going on at any given time back there.  The bright new lighting installed under the balcony hasn’t made a difference.

I feel more strongly than ever, after the May 1 and May 3 sessions, that we need to reduce the size of Town Meeting.  The Moderator announced that there are a mind-blowing 31 empty seats (out of 240).  Dozens of TMRs in that room are not interested in governing.  For many, it is just a social event, which is why they talk so much.  Others run because someone asked them (or begged) to run and they have a hard time saying no.

Whatever the reason, the TMR “tourists” get in the way of the people who really do want to make a contribution.  It’s time to cull the herd.

But that’s a discussion for another day.  Up next, which should be far more exciting than the first two nights, the electronic voting article and mixed use is due up Tuesday.  Appointment viewing.

Preliminary Town Meeting Warrant Available

You can download the Spring 2012 preliminary Town Meeting warrant at the town’s web site.  You can also look at details on the budget, which is $128.7M for FY’13 — up 1.7% from last year.

This warrant is pretty boring (and rather short) with two exceptions.

• Article 18.  The Town Manager is asking TM for $14M to design and build the town center road improvement project.  Here on the blog, I have been supportive of improvements, but very critical of the only concept on the table and the way the public process is going.  I have expressed this in two e-mails to Mr. Curran, both of which he has ignored.  I can’t imagine why he thinks TM would be willing to let him borrow that amount six weeks from now after just one divisive public meeting.  He will have time to come back to the public one time with a revised concept, but unless he can get all the abutters — nearly none of whom support the project — on his side in that short time, he has no chance.  Maybe he thinks there is no harm in asking since he can come back any time he wants.  But it’s a waste of TM’s time.  If you agree, write to him at jcurran@town.billerica.ma.us.
• Articles 31 and 32.  In much more exciting news, the owner of 5 Andover Road in the town center is asking for mixed-use zoning for the parcel.  Article 31 is the exact same mixed-use language I submitted to TM a few years ago (and again by the Planning Board a second time).  Article 32 would assign that zoning to 5 Andover.  You may remember some TMRs said they wouldn’t touch mixed-use zoning until they saw an actual development proposal, and now they have it.  If approved, this could be the project that demonstrates now nice a mixed use development can be and could strip away the fear of the unknown.

I recognize the irony of talking about the warrant a day after I trashed Billerica for not participating in politics (which I will continue to do as I bring you more numbers this Spring).  Regardless, the business of governing goes on while we wait.

About Those Other Priorities…

Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.  This helps explain why, instead of attending a fundraiser for Board of Selectman candidate Andrew Deslaurier, I ended up sitting on the couch watching Elmo lead a monster parade down Sesame Street Saturday afternoon.

Last week I wrote about the hurdles citizens must jump in order to serve in Town Meeting.  One of those is collecting signatures for the nomination papers, and I suggested that candidates attend events like Mr. Delaurier’s at the Country Club this past Saturday.  And then I didn’t show up myself, despite it being a 2 minute drive from my house.

After spending the morning painting the bathroom, making bread, and reconfiguring my home wireless network, I was in the shower by 2:30 or so.  After that I found both my kids (ages 3 and 5 months) sleeping.  At the same time.  This is about as common as a new store opening in the Zombie Mall.  Anyway, I got dressed and waited for everyone to wake up so we could go.  Finally a few minutes after 4, when the event started, the 3 year-old woke up, but she was crying.

In the bathroom, she looked up at me with pained eyes and said, “Daddy, I don’t feel good.”

At that point I wasn’t taking her to anywhere.  If I was president I would have postponed the State of the Union address.

After I cleaned up, I made her some ginger ale with the bubbles stirred out (which she didn’t like) and found some crackers.  And I took her downstairs to watch TV under a blanket.

A while later my wife told me I should go to the event myself.  I had made a commitment to go.  And I could have.  I could have jumped in the car and had a drink in my hand in five minutes, talking with my friends.  But that would leave my wife with two sick kids.  (The infant has a cold.)

In that last post I somewhat coldly cited “other priorities” as a reason why it is difficult for many citizens to get involved in their community, especially politics.  For parents, their priority is their kids, and nothing else comes close.

Maybe a generation ago, as the man of the family I would have attended that event and not looked back.  But my wife and I are about as equal as it gets when it comes to raising daughters.  We alternate overnight wake-ups, nasty diapers, bottle feedings, storytime.  We both attend doctor’s appointments.  On rare occasions we each get out of the house by ourselves to get some (vastly underrated) alone time.  But when one (or both, in this case) of the kids is sick, that would always supersede those plans.

The punch line is that it appears the 3 year-old was exaggerating her discomfort.  It would not be the first time she dialed up the drama.  She was fine the rest of the night and it’s even possible her “sickness” was the lingering aftereffect of a bad dream.  In other words, had we gone to the event, she would probably have been fine.  But you don’t take chances with your kids.

So I still have two lonely signatures on my paper — mine and my wife’s.  I’ll have to hit the cold bricks for the rest.  Here’s hoping for an extra warm Saturday or Sunday between now and February 27.

Can’t Buy Me Love

The mob bowls over women at a Walmart on Black Friday

Black Friday: it’s a phase as commonplace in America now as “White Christmas” was in George Bailey’s day.  A day to revel in everything this great country to offer, and, more importantly, to save a ton of money on it.  It’s also a day to punch, tackle, push, and otherwise injure your opponent — and I’m not talking about football.

As recently as ten years ago, Black Friday was a day that Americans traditionally (and quietly) started their Christmas shopping.  Many people were still visiting family and maybe wanted to get out of the house after spending hours the day before preparing and cleaning up a feast.  It was all very nice — spending time with loved ones, choosing gifts to give, watching a movie, taking a picture of the kids with Santa, and so on.

But then a few years ago, the retail industry started getting desperate for holiday dollars.  When recession spending dipped, they turned up the dials on marketing and promotion.  They started opening earlier than the other guys to get a jump on the competition.  Dawn.  Six AM.  Four.  Then three and two o’clock in the morning.  And this year, midnight “doorbusters.”

And at Walmart, open at 10 PM on Thanksgiving Day.  Doorbuster indeed.  In 2008, a Long Island Walmart staff member was trampled to death as the rabid crowd surged into the building after the glass portal slid open.  The death caused Walmart and other big boxers to spend thousands on crown control plans and police details.

This year, the number of violent incidents grew.  In California, a woman pepper sprayed other shoppers so that she could get an Xbox first.  Twenty people were hurt.  On YouTube you can enjoy videos of human beings brawling over towels priced at $1.88 and waffle irons at $2.  In another you’ll see people tearing open boxes of discounted cell phones like hyenas.  And in Manhattan of all places, customers broke windows of a Hollister store and stole items because it was not open as early as some other franchise stores.  Add a stabbing here and a shooting there, and what you have is a Black Friday experience that not even Walmart execs can spin.

(This is not to pick on Walmart.  Not all of these incidences occurred in its stores.  But it’s hard to deny that Walmart tends to attract this kind of behavior, no?)

OK, most Black Fridays sales were peaceful.  True.  Let’s look at one reporter’s story of local doorbuster events.  One of the shoppers interviewed arrived at the Cambridge Best Buy at 3:30 PM for a sale on a TV , waited 10 hours in the cold — along with 1,500 other people — and finally at 1 AM she found that the televisions were all sold out.  She went on to two other stores before finding one.

My Black Friday prize goes to the two friends who showed up to Framingham Walmat at 8:30 AM (!) and were first in line for the 4 AM opening, some 20 hours later.  One of them saved $300, the equivalent getting paid $15 and hour.  “I’m doing it for my grandchildren,” she said.  I don’t know them, lady, but I’ll bet they would rather spend Thanksgiving Day with you.  (On the other hand, the Xbox you bought them is pretty cool.  At least you didn’t pepper spray anyone for it.)

Finally, a shopper told the reporter:

“I can’t afford it,’’ she said of buying gifts at regular prices. “I work in day care and I don’t have it.’’ To put presents under the tree this year, she’ll shop Walmart and Kmart exclusively. “I get paid twice a month and will have to wait till next month to shop again,’’ she said. Until then? “I pray.’’

Oh, that reminds me.  Christmas is day Christians celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus.  I almost forgot.

Even if you are not religious person, the holidays were once about spending time with family and friends.  Yes, that generally includes giving gifts.  But with so little free time in our lives, why do otherwise intelligent Americans give so much of it away to save a few dollars on electronics?

Nationwide, tens of thousands of people trawled bog box stores well before dawn.  What is it about shopping that has made it so important to us?  More important than family, for some.

Are shoppers forced into this madness because of the recession?  After all, as some people told reporters, they can’t afford this stuff at full price, and this is the only time during the entire year that they can afford it.  OK, except that these are luxury items, and we are not living in a luxury economy.  We are not entitled to big screen TVs in lean years, too.

But retail spending is good for the economy, you say.  It creates jobs.  Sure.  Seasonal jobs.  Second jobs — the sort of jobs people need to take because they are still paying for last Christmas.  Americans owe some $800 billion dollars to credit card companies, and they are paying around 15% interest on it.

It’s official:  Black Friday is completely out of control.  For a few days at the end of Thanksgiving week, the doom-and-gloom headlines are replaced by giddy reports of people spending money like mad.  After all the receipts were totaled, 226 million people spent $52.4 billion.  There are about 243 million people over age 15 in the United States.  Retail execs were frothing at the mouth in the papers, sniggering in their cavernous office suites.

Other countries are laughing at at us, or at least scratching their heads. Risk injury over a $2 waffle iron that will not last a year?  If that is not insanity, what is?

Having kids has changed my view of Christmas.  Kids love everything about Christmas.  Yes, they love getting presents.  But they also go gaga over decorations, lights on houses, seeing Santa Claus, singing carols, eating festive cookies, watching Christmas movies and reading Christmas books.  Having children this time of year is a real gift.  (Maybe if I do it right I can teach them a little about the joy of giving, too.)

Adults sparring over Cabbage Patch Dolls in the ’80s was pathetic, too. But at least deep down those loony parents wanted to make their kids happy.  But now, it’s not about the kids anymore.  It’s about collecting all the junk we can squeeze into our houses.

There is no better time of year to reflect on our values and our priorities as individuals, as communities, and as a country than during the holiday season.  And in a year that we had a hard time sacrificing (I’m looking at you, Supercommittee), this year’s Black Friday is not a good start.  I’ll start: less stuff, more time with the people we love.  Less quantity, more quality.  Less take, more give.

Going shopping for little while — during daylight hours — on the Friday after Thanksgiving?  That’s a Thanksgiving tradition right up there with football and pumpkin pie.  A human stampede at the local Walmart at 10pm Thursday?  We’re better than that.  Stay home and hug your kids.

Blackout Refugee

The lights at my house finally came back on late last week.  I have been away from the blog, town affairs, and Billerica itself for a few days.  I’ve also been on an adventure with my wife and two little girls since Monday that has given me new perspective on life in suburbia.  Forgive the unusual lack of focus in this post, but if you’ll indulge me, I’d like to share my mini-diary of my three days as a middle-class blackout refugee.

I want to start by saying I do not in any way blame National Grid for what happened.  I know it’s easy, even somewhat comforting, to blame a faceless conglomerate for the troubles of everyman.  But the power company did not knock out my electricity or anyone else’s.  We suffered from a weird October snow storm that pulled down healthy tree limbs still sporting leaves.  The number of breaks across New England numbered in the thousands, maybe even the tens of thousands.  Whether the response was fast enough is not for me to say.  Only experts in the public utility world can truly know whether they fixed things fast enough.  I, for one, have an enormous appreciation for the linemen and -women who worked day and night — coming from places like Texas driving in a truck that is not built for long-range comfort, I’m sure — with little rest, food, downtime, or time with their families.

What can you blame?  You have heard me talk about the costs of sprawl.  This is one.  When you build things far apart, it becomes cost-prohibitive to bury power lines.  When you live in the sticks, sometimes sticks fall on the power lines.  (Some are calling to bury power lines in the town center.  Great concept, but it will cost us about $1000 per linear foot.)

The blackout reminded me how dependent I am on one signal resource, and how loss of that resource quickly turned me into a quivering pool of jello — the way some people get when they lose 3G service on their smart phone.  Although I thought I had prepared myself adequately for Hurricane Irene, I was wrong.  With no generator, wood stove, or fireplace, we had no source of heat.

I went to Market Basket in the Billerica Mall Shops at Billerica Sunday afternoon, which was a bizarre experience to say the least.  The store manager greeted us as we came in, grimly telling us only grocery items were available, no perishables.  Hmmm.  But perishables were what most of us were there for.  Now, I regularly poke fun at the mall, calling it Zombie Mall, and that’s hyperbole for satire’s sake.  But let me tell you — that Sunday at the grocery store was about as close to a “walking dead” experience as we’re going to get outside the movies.  The giant warehouse-style store was near-dark, cold, and the shoppers aimlessly wandered the aisles, unsure what they should get.  The dairy section was covered with sheets.  The open-top frozen food cases were covered with still-packaged paper towels and napkins to keep them cold.  And eeriest of all, the entire meat department was empty, its contents presumably spoiled and thrown away.  I picked up some soup, crackers, peanut butter, and so forth.  At the register, the clerk said the Wilmington and Burlington stores had full back-up power because they are new.  Must be nice.

We made it through Sunday, piled extra blankets on all the beds, and slept soundly through the first night.  But Monday morning, the air temperature in the house was 53 degrees.  With a 2 1/2 month-old infant in the house, we had to leave.  We made some calls and found a hotel in Brookline (of all places) that could take all 4 of us.  We stuffed everything we could into the van — no one had any idea how long it would be — and drove off.

Now I understand why some people refuse to leave when there is a hurricane evacuation.  It was very hard to leave my home.  I did not know what condition I would find it in when I returned.  Would pipes burst?  Would it be looted?  And in a way I was abandoning my neighbors, too.  Some were better prepared and stayed behind.

We chose Brookline primarily because the hotel was running on primary power, but also because it was a family-oriented hotel that was situated in Coolidge Corner — a place that provides a multitude of services within walking distance.  This is important when you need to entertain a 3 1/2 year-old.

We made the best of it.  After checking into the hotel (and meeting other blackout refugee families around the front desk), we ate lunch at Panera Bread.  Next, we stopped by a playground at a school.  When the kids poured out for recess, we shifted to Griggs Park, a gem a block off Beacon Street with tall willow trees and another playground. My oldest played hide-and-seek and petted every dog out for a walk.

After finally cleaning up (ahh, hot shower), we went out for dinner at Coolidge Corner Clubhouse.  Sure, it’s a sports bar (one of the region’s best), but it also has great kids menu.  And 30 beers on tap –I enjoyed two excellent craft beers.  So aside from being a great place to watch the game, you can take your kids there, too.  We saw a half-dozen kids there in costume, it being Halloween night.  If you are wondering, I had a big cheeseburger with a fried egg on it (the “Yaz”).

After a warm sleep, we ate breakfast at Zaftigs, a deli which also had a kid’s menu.  Next we ventured onto the trolley with a double stroller (not for the timid) and spentthe day at the New England Aquarium.

The next morning we got word that my dad’s house had power back, so we packed up and drove out there.  A day after that, we were finally back home, cleaning up and waiting for the house to warm up again.

Yes, it was unpleasant being a refugee family for 3 days, especially with a little kid and an infant.  But Coolidge Corner made it bearable — even fun, at times.  It reminded me of the question I have been asking myself since I moved here: why can’t we make a place like that here in Billerica?

Here’s the crazy part: as blighted as chunks of the center are, we already have some of the pieces.  All we need to do is tie them together in a scale that is compact enough to be walkable.  We have eating places like Mangia Mangia.  We have a huge playground — a bigger and better one that either of the two we saw in Coolidge Corner — but it’s hidden behind a strip mall.  We have a small park (the Town Common) that could be expanded.  There is even a rumor (which I have not been able to confirm with any official report) that the Zombie is getting a Panera Bread.

(One thing we do not have is a sports bar.  How Sportstown USA lacks a superlative sports bar defies explanation.)

Will the great blackout of 2011 change lives or local politics?  I don’t think so.  But I’m betting it had a big impact on your life, as it did mine.

Town Meeting 2011 Q&A

This year the Town Manager created an e-mail address (townmeeting2011@town.billerica.ma.us) to which he invited Town Meeting Representatives to send questions.  Both he and the Moderator, Gil Moreira, have said it is important that TMRs come prepared so that we avoid any repeated or unnecessary, time-consuming questions.  Excellent!  Last week I took advantage by asking a half-dozen questions, eagerly awaiting the answers.

And after the first session of TM, I am still waiting for a response.  Too bad.

So, we will attempt to address some of these questions in-house.  Today we have the help of a source,  Mary, who was kind enough to send along some comments to Monday’s post.  We also had a set of questions from Tony.  Let’s get started.

The Budget — Article 4

Mary says:

The town has had to ignore capital expenditures in light of fiscal realities, and try to get some funded with the use of Free Cash in the Fall.  Who knows if there will be any Free Cash?!  This Town Manager believes in trying to get some capital addressed during the Spring TM just as he believes that we shouldn’t use non-recurring revenue to balance the budget.  The School Dept. is even required to fund sick-leave buyback for retiring teachers IN THEIR budget – woo-hoo! – and they also have a capital reserve this year.

I understand the Capital Improvement Plan now.  The plan includes moderate-scale work (usually between $5,000 and $50,000) for each department goes out to FY16.  The Plan is in the back of the TMR’s orange warrant book, although I was not able to find it on the town’s web site.  The budget we are voting on now includes a new item to fund the plan, which in previous years was paid for by free cash and other sources, as Mary explained.  This is something TM has asked for in the past; Mr. Curran listened, and now we have an account started up where we can stow cash for minor improvements.  Well done.

Collective Bargaining — Articles 5, 6, and 7

Tony asks:

For the contracts, is there anything else being given away besides raises?

Yes, there are some additional items.  For details firefighters would get $70/hour (up from $50), more for watch duty, and a $500 signing bonus.  The alarm operators also get a $500 signing bonus.  There are a few other changes too minor to list here.  Details are in the warrant.

Mary says:

The AG’s office has ruled that town employees are allowed to be elected to TM.  You are correct – if folks don’t like this they can get off their complaining rear ends and run.

I’m with the AG on this one.  No citizen should be barred from participating in his or her own government.

Fire Trucks — Article 27

Tony asks:

For fire trucks, do they need both at same time?

I imagine we can wait on one or even both.  But we’ll be pouring maintenance money into aging assets for another year.  It’s like the advice they give people who own old cars: if the repair costs more than the car is worth, replace it.  Economically speaking, that is where we are with those two trucks.  In other words, the longer we wait, the more net money we lose.

Mary says:

The FinCom has been told that the actual figure will be $1.5 million.  I believe they had planned to have something else in the article but decided not.

Water Meter Radio Read — Article 28

Mary says:

This is about what it is thought TM will OK – we’ll see.  It adds the radio read component to the existing meters, and when the existing meter are eventually replaced the technology coexists.

Fair enough.  My gut tells me there is a lot of angst on the TM floor about water and sewer these days.  I think even the lesser amount for just the radio read will be a hard sell.

Certified Projects –Articles 29 and 30

Mary says:

Two awesome projects presented to the BOS and FinCom last week.  One is already here and expanding, the other coming from your base (Cambridge).  I’ll be you right now that at least one naysayer (I’ll bet it’s JW) will get up to badmouth the deals.  The TIFF amounts are only on the increased value, and thus are a win win.  Yet this TMtg may balk! Conspiracy theory.

E Ink is in a small brick building on Sidney Street in Cambridge near MIT.  This is a growing trend — trading high-rent city space for low-rent suburban space.  Good news for low-rent Billerica.

Cemetery Cell Tower — Article 32

Tony asks:

For Cell tower, where does income from it go? Anything to help neighbors who have to look at it each day?

I believe the money goes into the general fund.  Maybe Mary knows.  As for the second question, I would say no.  Hard to screen a structure so tall.  I hope we’ll see a rendering of what it will look like from the neighbor’s yards.

Mary says:

Yes, it’s clean, easy money which is desperately needed.  I would vote to put one on town land in my neighborhood if they asked.  I think it’s a no-brainer.  The bigger issue may be a legal claim re the deed restriction – you’ll hear.

I disagree with Mary on this one.  Although it is clean money, it’s ugly money, and I’d rather not take the unspoiled view away from anyone.  There are other ways to make clean money.  But, just out of curiosity, how much money are we talking here, Mary?

Giant Garages — Article 45

Tony asks:

Is article 45 to change zoning? What is allowed now?

It would alter the language of the zoning code.  Giant garages or additions are not restricted now, as long as they comply with the zoning rules for any building.  In other words, we don’t have “anti-McMansion” zoning on the books at all.

Mary says:

I supported this in FinCom because neighbors asked me to, although I was really torn.  The substitute motion was really pretty restrictive, and as I look at my neighbors one story, three bay(?) garage across the street I realize that would have been prohibited.  It’s harmless and he gets to do some work in his retirement and fool around with his Model T…what’s the harm?

I have a two-car garage (which would still be allowed under the new language I think), and I have to admit, I can’t imagine not having it.  A big selling point for me when we bought the place.  I am a hobbyist woodworker and it gives me plenty of space for tools.  I am waiting to hear back from Town Hall about what the abutters’ rights are without this zoning.

The Chicken Article — Article 46

Mary says:

With Jen 100%  She’s done a great job.

Let’s see if TM’s grumpy quotient can defeat the product of optimism and positive energy of the petitioner.  My money is on Ms. Croce, but if a TMR can get up and object to money being transferred to Veteran’s Services (as happened in session #1 Tuesday; more on this later), then I guess I should keep the amount of my wager small.  Really small.

My Kid Will Cost Half Mil, Feds Say

Eva, I hope you aren’t reading this.  Because the federal government thinks I am not spending nearly enough money on you.

The 2008 version of “Expenditures on Children by Families” has just been released by the USDA.  According to the news story, it costs the average family about $291,000 to raise each kid in a two-parent family to the age of 18.  This number does not include college.  Reading the full report, those families in a higher income range (lucky you, little girl) will shell out (pause for dramatic effect) $483,750.  Exclamation point!

The report also says that I should have also spent nearly $40,000 on you over your first two years.  OK, so I’ve got a few months left here until you turn 2, but I’ll tell you right now, that ain’t happening.

These numbers assume there are 2 kids in the family.  Averages are higher for only children.  So I’m supposed to spend even more if Mommy and I don’t make you a little brother or sister!  So in order to save the family money, Mommy and I will need a little alone time.

These numbers sound high to me — very high.  The highest component of these costs — about a third — are housing costs.  I didn’t know I was supposed to rent you your own apartment.  Another 8% goes to miscelanious expenses, which includes cell phone bills.  I’ll bet other parents all over the US will say this number sounds a little low.  (You will not be getting a cell phone until you turn 2-1/2.  At least.)

Parents everywhere: if you are reading this news in a dismal economy, take heart.  These are all averages based on projections, which in turn are extrapolated from questionable data.  Errors abound.  Even the report admits that.  And they are certainly not recommendations.  We moms and dads have lots and lots of great ways to not spend anywhere near these averages.

Here are a few of mine (please send yours along, too):

• Instead of expensive “genius” toys, give your infant Tupperware.  Yes, Tupperware!  Eva loves playing with the stuff.  Hours of entertainment, safe, easy to clean up, and we already had it in the house.  In fact, anything in the house that’s safe to play with will fascinate kids under age 2.
• Make friends with parents of a child about a year older than yours.  Bonus if the kid is the same sex.  You get loads of toys the older kids has outgrown and closets full of clothes.  This will save you hundreds of not only dollars, but also hours shopping for the stuff.  Pay it forward when your kid outgrows her things.
• Skip the high-end baby furniture for the nursery.  Your kid does not care what band name is on it, nor does anyone else.  No need for the Rolls Royce strollers, either, no matter how superior you think it will make you feel around the other parents at the park.
• Stop it with the birthday parties.  There is no reason to spend more than $9.49 for some paper plates, cake mix, and one wax candle for a first birthday party.  Your little one will have no idea what’s going on, and if you fork over two bills for Binko the Clown, your baby will be terrified of him.  (Sorry, Binko, I calls ‘em as I sees ‘em.)
• If you feel the urge to go on a spending spree at the baby store, stop yourself, go back in the house, and put a C-note in the college fund.  The only brand new things babies really need are diapers.  If the child is fed, safe, and loved, that’s all she needs.  Besides, if you bring a big booty home for her, she’ll only want the empty cardboard box anyway.

There is one more thing bothering me about this report.  Why was it written in the first place?  Is the federal government out to scare people from having kids?  Do they take pleasure in delivering bad financial news in a bad economy?  How many of us parents really want this information, with the sly comment that the number does not include college tacked on?

To make matters worse, the USDA proudly announced that it will be going live with its on-line “child cost calculator” later this year.  Terrific!  Just type in your child’s name, age,  and how many Disney character she knows, and it will spit out a customized report with a comical six-figure number that is sure to be a big hit at junior’s next play date.

There are dozens of reports on total life expenses for other things on which people have no concept how they are spending.  Here are some USDA on-line calculators I would like to see:

• Lifetime ownership costs of dogs and cats (by breed)
• Ten-year cost of bottled water for a family of four by brand, ranging from the store brand to Fiji, versus tap water.
• Average yearly service charges by household of cellphones, iPhones, Blackberrys, and other electronic gadgets, based on the age of the oldest teenager in the house.
• Total cost of owning an oversized, overpowered, over-accessoried luxury SUV versus a Honda Civic.
• Daily cost of the fancy cable or satellite service package graphed against a ratio of the total available channels to the total number of channels never, ever watched per customer.
• Aggregate cost of all household items bearing sports team logos.
• A working year (220-day) sum of money spent on coffee, donuts, and other breakfast-related fast food products.  (Drive-thru costs would include gas burned idling while waiting in line.)
• Credit card debt and bank fees.  (Might want to close your eyes before you click “submit” on that one.)

It will not be a half million dollars, Eva, but I feel god about whatever expenses I may incur raising you.  One lesson I will strive to teach you is to not be frivolous.  Would that the USDA teach Americans the same.