October 29 Column

This week I’m running an interview with the new mayor, Jim Nimby, called Entering Gumpytown.  Since the column was edited for space in the newspaper, I will paste the entire interview in the space below.

Note: I’m sure you all picked up on it, but just in case you did not, this is a piece of satire.  Jim Nimby is not a real person and Billerica has not been renamed Grumpytown.

Yet.

Entering Grumpytown

You may have missed it last week, but right after Town Meeting voted down mixed-use for the second time and just before the light went out in the Buck Auditorium, TM voted to change the name of Billerica to “Grumpytown.”  A few minutes later, out in the hallway, a small self-appointed search committee designated longtime resident Jim Nimby as Grumpytown’s first mayor.  I caught up with the Mayor the following day, sitting in his rocking chair on his front porch.

Q.  Mayor Nimby, congratulations on being chosen for this post.  What is your reaction to mixed use going down in defeat again?

A.  Dodged a real bullet, there, son!  They woulda built a skyscraper 30 stories high!  With a thousand apartments we don’t need!

Q.  What about the state law mandating affordable housing?

A.  If they want affordable housing, let ‘em pitch tents in the empty hallway at the Mall.

Q.  Do you think the town center looks fine the way it is?

A.  Let me tell you something, boy.  I been in this town all my life.  I know this town.  Durn it, I built this town!  Why, I was classmates with Thomas Ditson himself!

Q.  I don’t think that’s possible.

A.  All right, I was a senior when he was a freshman.

Q.  How would mixed use hurt the town?

A.  It would have raised my taxes!

Q.  Actually, all of the experts I interviewed said that mixed use would have brought in more revenue by –

A.  Let me learn you something, son.  Anything that’s not my idea will raise my taxes!

Q.  Are you referring to property taxes?

A.  Every tax!  If they built that durn village they were flappin’ their gums about, there would be more stores, they’d charge me more sales tax and alcohol tax and candy tax and bottle tax and every other tax they got!  They’d tax the smoggy air if they could!  Taxity tax tax tax!

Q.  Now that the center will not be mixed use, the youth of Billerica will still have very few places in town to socialize.  What do you say to them?

A.  No places to socialize?  This is Sportstown USA!

Q.  Yes, that’s true.  But not every kid likes to play sports.

A.  Well, they should.  In my day, we played every sport they had, and when they ran out of those, we invested new ones.  Those usually involved throwing rocks at something.

Q.  But even student-athletes would like to have a place to go after the game, I’m sure.

A.  Look, there are all kinds of places in Grumpytown to go.  We have bushels of abandoned buildings, empty parking lots, and the woods, far away from any adult supervision.  What could go wrong?

Q.  There are many who feel –

A.  HEY!  You kids!  GET OFF MY LAWN!

Q.  Sir, that’s no way to talk to Selectmen Lombardo and Desluarier.

A.  I’m keeping their durn ball this time, too.

Q.  What do you think should be done with the Mall?

A.  Fix it up!  A little paint and a few more stores and it will just like it was.

Q.  What sort of stores do you think would help bring it back to its former glory?

A.  Oh, I like that Caldors.  I spent a lot time in there.  Or a Tweeter.  Linens and Things, maybe.

Q.  What about Ames or Zayre?

A.  Now you’re talking smart.

Q.  Thank you.  What would you say to the people who say the Mall is too old to fix up and that it should be torn down.

A.  Torn down?  Fiddlesticks!  That whole place should be protected by the Historic Commission!  I know you see nothing but a big, barren, dirty, empty parking lot, young fellow.  But for me, in the back seat of my DeSoto is where I lost my – er, never mind!

Q.  You know, that piece of land could easily hold a Wal-mart Supercenter, and they wouldn’t even need a special permit.

A.  You think I was born yesterday?  Of course I know that.  We need those jobs!  I already called Wal-mart.  They’re not interested.  Said they would rather be on a wooded lot where they would get to knock down hundreds of trees.  I’m working on finding them one.

Q.  Speaking of jobs, what sort of progress do you expect Grumpytown will make during your term?

A.  Prog – what, now?

Q.  Er, never mind.

A.  Are about done here?  Wheel of Fortune’s coming on.

Q.  Yes, just a few more.  What are you looking forward to most about being Mayor?

A.  That’s easy.  My own parking space.  Hey, you know those kids that wanted that mixed use madness?  They were going to knock down some of the parking lot and turn it into a durn park!  Can you imagine that?  I like having 12 parking spaces for every car at the Mall.  Gives me plenty of room when I park my Buick sideways.   I don’t want anyone taking away parking.  NO ONE TAKES MY PARKING AWAY!  You hear me?  NO ONE!

Q.  Yes, sir. In what ways should Grumpytown grow over the next five years?

A.  Grow?  Tsk.  They should have closed the gates on this place right after I got here.  Too many people here now.  And they’re all in line ahead of me at Demoula’s.  Most of ‘em are illegals!

Q.  You mean like from Mexico?

A.  No, Cambridge.  Ain’t that where you’re from?

Q.  No, sir, I only work there.

A.  Harumph.

Q.  What about the Parker School?  Seems like Town Meeting made a loud statement in an overwhelming vote to pass that article.

A.  Pish posh.  They know durn well the voters won’t vote themselves a tax increase.  Never have, never will.

Q.  But the old building is hanging on by a thread.

A.  Balderdash!  In my day, I was lucky to have a roof over my head, much less four walls and a floor.  I would have begged for a classroom that had only one hole in the floor.  If the state closes that school, they can hold class under a big oak tree.  And when it snows out, hey, that builds character.

Q.  Mayor Nimby, many leading economists believe that the nation’s economy has bottomed out, and if past recessions are any indication, thousands of new business ventures will start up over the next five years and they will need a place be.  How will Grumptytown attract these new businesses in the new Green Economy in which – er, Mr. Mayor?  Mayor Nimby?

We’ll bring you part two of our interview of Grumptytown Mayor Jim Nimby as soon as he wakes up.